I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
