I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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