apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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