she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize