Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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