Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
