My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
