He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
