My hand turned me down
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
