I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
