just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
