no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
