My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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