What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My vagina is officially offended.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
