I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
