cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
