Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
