My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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