Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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