once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
