Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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