can u get pink eye on your cock?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
