i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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