I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
