I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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