Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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