shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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