its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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