um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
