Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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