even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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