Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
