So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
