I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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