Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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