This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
