When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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