I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
