last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
