Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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