Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
