He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
