After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
