Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
