Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
