i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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