Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
