I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
