So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
