Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize