I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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