I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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