Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize