I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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