My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
