I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
