So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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