I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
