i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
