I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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