Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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