Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
