i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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