My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
