Banned from zoo.
Again?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
