I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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