Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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