John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize